Zevais

I am back, sort of... going to try to be around again.

I guess I am about to return.

I am dumping all of my writings from my teenage/college years into my Deviant Art Vault right now. I have just lost the urge to post them anymore, and I don't want to be reminded that I never finished sharing them all. They will remain in my Deviant Art Vault in case I change my mind one day. All of my writings from more recent years will remain up as well as any tributes I have written.

I am going to start sharing some writings I have made in the passed couple years that I haven't shared yet. I will be making an attempt soon to make a comment on at least one writing of the writers I watch here on Deviant Art. I don't really know how successful I will be at honoring that statement. Honestly, my mind is a mess, and I just get preoccupied with my life often lately. I really need to get into therapy, but I had to tighten spending a lot since August.

I need to make time to vent and write more right now; those are some of the few things I can do that help me deal with my mind.

This sickness is haunting me.

There is something horrid when your own mind holds you back from things you enjoy simply because your day to day life makes you want to tear the world apart until you see you person you care about most. For me it is my fiance, Kelly, I am always waiting for... just so sick of my job and where I am in life.

The visibility is found wanting; the ash falls, and this is another familiar, casual stroll. There is burn underneath my bare feet that chills my spine; my legs hurt from pushing the layers of ash and detritus as my feet take every step. I am a tall man, but there was never a time when I was the tallest object the eye can see. I look up, and all I see is the familiar ash falling. I can smell ozone; the lightning is always here, but the rain never comes. The day becomes the most brilliant that it can provide; there are the faint hues of orange, yellow and red through the ash. The afternoon sun has become another dusk.

All day long, I run my hands over the concrete, steel, and re-bar. I see foundations; they were probably walls at one point. My hands hurt and bleed; maybe this is not the dream. Maybe I am awake. I shouldn't wake the others. I won't touch one of the bodies that litter the landscape. I thought she was tired and covered in ash; she fell apart and blew away like the others. I touch my face; I am still solid.

I am wearing this sleeveless black shirt and tan denim shorts. They are not the rags I gather to comfort myself when I rest; they are only half way there. I pull out a photograph from my left pocket; I can't make it out, but I still cry. I know they are dead. I fall to my knees and crumple the photograph. The tears mix with the ash; the sadness ends when my face clenches in pure unbridled anger and fury. A figure is near.

He is the only object that is taller than I am. He is how I imagine him. Tolec Nal was never really gone. He's only in my mind, right?

Tolec Nal has a blank expression as he stands there; I know he is waiting for me. Quick to my feet, I charge; I am now a beast and I attack. There is nothing special about me. There are no dream powers: no special abilities or newly acquire martial arts. I just fight the best I can. I lose. I always lose. He knows the counter to every attack; he knows how much I can muster. I am beaten down every time I get back up and come too close. This continues for so long; why don't I quit?

There are some survivors: mostly animals and the humans are only mostly human at this point. The humans just stare in pity. They have seen it before; they already know how this will end. They would pity anything with courage in the face of death. This isn't courage; it just appears that way. I don't know I don't capitulate.

At last, I am no longer able to stand. Everything has been beaten out of me. Tolec Nal lifts me to my feet and stares into my eyes. I tell him I just want it to be over. He nods; he is about to end it. My hands gently press against his chest. Tolec Nal growls like no human has ever growled, and the length of the growl is beyond what a human lungs' can produce. Tolec Nal sprawls backward. He drops to his knees and huddles and weeps and shakes... it will not end.

A petite teenage girl turns me around and smiles. I am taken back by her vacant eyes, as dark as brown can get; they don't match the sinister grin. Her black shoulder length hair is so perfectly still and untouched by the ash; her complexion is perfect as well even with the freckles dotting like stars in the sky. "You have to make sure he doesn't do it again," she tells me with an enthusiastic voice.

I start walking away. "I cannot stop myself," I tell her. She just keeps laughing. No matter how far I get, she is still so clear. When I stop looking back, she races up to me. Her hands slither around my throat from behind. My heart stops beating, and I fall to ground. Just before I hit the ground, I see myself fall to the ground from Tolec Nal's eyes.

Tolec Nal stands up, and he begins to walk. He can barely see through this ash. He takes another familiar, casual stroll. Ash and detritus are picked up by his bare feet as he walks.

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Another recurring dream I have had since I was a child...

I am slow right now to comment on the recent deviations of everyone... replies too. My mind isn't really here; I am sorry.